


Sam Finally Gets It

by pherryt



Series: Supernatural CODA Collection [11]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: 13.05 coda, Cas's POV, Confessions, Feels, Happy Ending, M/M, Non graphic smut, Sam's POV, Writing Prompt, cas and dean finally talk, hug, talk of Dean's suicide attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-13
Updated: 2017-12-20
Packaged: 2019-02-01 14:58:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,422
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12707280
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pherryt/pseuds/pherryt
Summary: Sam has no idea how he never saw it before, but seeing Dean and Cas reunite has made everything make so much more sense.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [li_izumi](https://archiveofourown.org/users/li_izumi/gifts).



> Thanks for Deadlykittenkay for taking a look. and its once again Li_izumi's fault that i wrote this. I managed to hit all the points I told her except one.
> 
> we were basically discussing the end of the episode and how they BETTER give us SOMETHING and not just cut right into the next case. and she was like, you KNOW they're going to gloss right over it.
> 
> so here we are.
> 
> The picture is a quick and dirty ink and color (the quick and dirty part is most especially on the color portion of this) as I had to fight my computer to get it scanned or even start working on it. i tried to use a brush pen to do the line work for the majority of the picture but the pen is dying. oh, and chain link fence? Why? Why'd i add that? seriously? It just reminds me why i fail at all attempts at Celtic Knotwork. *sigh*

Less than twenty-four hours later and Sam was still kind of in shock. Happy, yes, but shock most definitely.

How was Cas alive? Had it been Chuck? It had to have been, right?

And the difference in Dean was…how had he missed it? Sam had always known Cas meant a lot to Dean. Hell, Cas meant a lot to Sam too. Their circle of friends and family had always been small. You earned your way into their dynamic - or wormed your way in, Sam thought with a quiet snort – but once there, you were  _ there.  _ Sam and Dean would do anything they could for their friends and family. The depth of their feeling ran deep – Sam always thought it was on account of the fact that they had so few people to spread the love around to, that it just concentrated and magnified for the ones they had garnered.

They’d both felt the bite of Charlie's death, Bobby’s death…Ellen and Jo’s…they’d been terrible times. He’d watched it break Dean. He’d also watched Dean refuse to give up. He always kept going. Just like Sam had.

But this past month, it had been like Sam hadn’t even known who his brother was anymore. When Dean finally tore into him about why he couldn’t treat Jack with the same unbiased eye as they’d learned to give certain other monsters and situations over the years…

When Dean told Sam he couldn’t believe in anything anymore…

The way he’d been acting was so un-Dean-like, so quiet and despondent that Sam hadn’t know what to do. He’d hoped that keeping Dean working would help – it had in the past, a distraction that could at least temporarily lift his spirits – but Sam had genuinely been in fear for Dean’s life several times that night. First the ghost had almost drilled Dean’s head and Dean had barely even fought back! Like he’d had no will to live. It made Sam hurt to think of his big brother like that.

And then he stopped his own heart! Sure, Dean had said it was for the case. Had given Sam the needle needed to bring him back, but…the risk Dean had undertaken had had all too much an air of finality around them for Sam’s comfort.

Sam had thought he’d lost Dean tonight. Thought he’d been left alone to deal with Jack when Sam knew  _ nothing  _ about being a parent. That had always been Dean and oh god, that was such a fucking selfish thought.

Dean had almost not come back tonight, and Sam would have been devastated by it, for more reasons than just Jack. It had hurt. They’d had loss this bad before. Sam hadn’t been able to figure out why, exactly, it was hitting Dean harder than it ever had before. Why, specifically, Cas? Cas’s death hurt Sam too, surely Dean had to know that?

Sam had gotten into the car in a daze, thinking about the things Dean had said after the shapeshifter case, after this one. His answer had lain in there, he was sure of it, something that niggled at the back of his mind. Surely if he knew the answer, he could help Dean? He’d thought the issue had been Mary and sure, Dean was upset about that too but the depth of his reaction belied Sam’s assumptions. Derailed him and left him floundering and searching for another gear. Things were bad with Dean and he didn’t know what to do. Hunting monsters? Sure. Researching lore? He was good at that too.

Fixing his brother? If the past was any indication, he sucked at that. Royally. He’d let Dean drive in silence while Sam tried to come up with an idea – any idea – to help his brother. Jody sprang to mind first, and he had just been rehearsing what he would say to her in his mind when the phone rang.

Hours later, he’d stared, watching Dean step out of the car slowly, still no word as to why they’d torn off to this place instead of back home to the bunker. The caller ID had been unhelpful. Dean had let the phone fall to the seat between them and Sam, anxious to find out what was going one, had snatched it up instantly, but all he’d found was an unknown number. Despite Sam’s questions, Dean hadn’t been able to speak after the phone rang. There’d been a desperate hope on his face, but no words had come.

It had made Sam worry, his heart squeezing. He couldn’t imagine who could possibly have been on the other end of that phone and he almost dreaded to find out.

But then the Impala rolled to a stop and Dean scrabbled at the door to get it open. Sam could see an almost familiar tan trenchcoat standing by the payphone and his own breathing hitched as he stumbled out of the car in disbelief. He readied his flask and his knife to test the supposed Cas – after all, they’d burned his body. It couldn’t  _ really  _ be Cas, could it? – but Dean didn’t even hesitate.

Dean’s steps started off slow but determined, the man in the trenchcoat turned and  _ oh god, it  _ **_was_ ** _ Cas! _ The expression on his face, the tilt of his head, the way he only had eyes for Dean –

The way he only had eyes for Dean…

Sam stumbled to a halt and blinked.

How could he have been so stupid? He watched Dean’s pace pick up, his feet hurrying to get him to Cas’s side faster. The two men collided and the hug that lasted was so long, so…Sam didn’t even have words to describe what he was seeing.

Dean fell to his knees clutching at Castiel and Cas went with him. Their faces were buried in each other’s necks.

Sam stumbled back, bracing himself on the Impala.

How the hell had he missed it? If he thought about it, all the signs had always been there. So many signs over the years, getting stronger and more obvious all the time – things Sam had simply dismissed as Cas and Dean being Cas and Dean. And the way Dean had been acting these past few weeks, the things he’d said…how much he hated Jack for being the cause of Cas’s death… _ it all made so much more sense now _ .

Sam waited at the Impala. He felt like he was intruding on the most private of moments. If he’d been expecting a kiss, he didn’t get one. But Dean shook in Cas’s arms and they stayed there. Sam was too far away to see tears, or hear crying but he was almost certain Dean was.

He thought Cas might be too.

He lost track of how long he stood there, waiting for his brother and Cas to finish reassuring each other, but finally, Cas helped Dean stand and together they approached Sam and the car.

Sam shoved himself off, dropping his arms from his chest and smiling at the angel. He held his arms out even as Dean beamed at the both of them. “Nice coat,” Sam said with a chuckle, embracing Cas.

“Thank you. It was a gift. Or a bribe. I haven’t decided.”

“A bribe?” Sam blinked, the hug ending and Cas stepping back to stand with Dean. Was it his imagination, or were they standing closer than they ever had before? The expected ‘personal space’ was never uttered, though and Sam filed that away in his new evidence folder.

He might have teased Dean about “Destiel” before but he’d never actually given it much thought. It seemed those fangirls had known something he hadn’t. Maybe he’d been too close to it to see it? The whole “Can’t see the forest for the trees” deal or something?

“From the entity that brought me back. I think it was a ‘please don’t come back’ gift. I was rather insistent that I had to return.” Cas turned to look at Dean and Sam was surprised to see a twitch of a smile, a hint of a blush on his brother’s face. There was movement that caught his eye and he blinked as he looked down to note that Dean had reached for Cas’s hand.

This…would take some getting used to.

Wow…

Sam couldn’t stop grinning. “God, I’m so fucking glad you’re back, Cas.”

“I’m glad to be back, Sam.”

“C’mon, let’s get in the car and go home,” Dean said quietly.

“Of course.” Reluctantly, it seemed, Cas dropped Dean’s hand and moved towards the back of the car, Dean’s face falling before he schooled it to something resembling his normal expression, but Sam beat him to the door.

“Hey, uh, Cas, why don’t you sit in front with Dean? I’m gonna take a nap in the back so I can stretch out some, okay? We’ve kinda had a long day.”

Cas’s eyes lit up, though his smile stayed small. “Thank you, Sam.”

“No problem.”

Sam made himself comfortable in the back and pretended to sleep on the long ride, but in reality just quietly observing. Dean and Cas were silent for a long time, but eventually their voices reached his ears, quiet little murmurs he couldn’t make sense of, but the joy and relief was clearly evident in nearly every word they said. In every glance that he caught.

If he thought this simmering – whatever this was – would disappear, Dean-style, by the time they got back to the bunker, Sam was ultimately wrong.

Dean was laughing and grinning, though Sam kept catching him in rare moments of staring at Cas with a soft look. A look he’d never seen before. It held so many emotions that it was overwhelming to see it. Sam thought back to Jessica and wondered if he had ever really felt like that? Every chance he got, Dean would reach out to touch the angel, making sure he was real, that he wasn’t leaving.

“I’m gonna drop this in my room and then make dinner. Um…Just…don’t go anywhere, kay?” Dean looked at Cas a little fearfully.

“I’ll be here,” Cas said simply. The promise in his voice ran deep and Sam just once more stood flabbergasted that he’d never noticed. How could he have mistaken this for anything else?

Sam waited till Dean was out of the room before he turned to Cas. “Look, I’m seriously  _ really _ glad you’re back. You don’t know what he’s been like. I…Cas, I…” Sam rubbed a hand over his face. “It’s been bad.  _ Dean’s _ been bad. I’ve never seen him like this before. So lost. It was…he’d given up, man. I never realized…” Sam dropped his hand from his face and grasped Cas’s shoulder. “I’m sorry. You mean a lot to both of us, but I never realized how much more you meant to Dean till you were gone and we thought you were never coming back. The difference you’ve made in my brother in just the past few hours is stunning, Cas. I hope you realize that you’re important to both of us – but especially Dean.”

“He means a lot to me as well, Sam,” Cas said quietly.

“Yeah, I finally figured that out. Just…please, don’t be mad at him? He really wasn’t in a good place before, with you gone, and I think – in his own way – he meant well but…” Sam shook his head. “I wish I’d understood better. Maybe I could have…I don’t know.” Sam ended on a sigh and shook his head again.

Cas’s eyes narrowed, “What do you mean?”

“Father?”

They both turned to find Jack standing there, Dean behind him and encouraging him forward, a guilty, sheepish expression on his face.

Cas blinked and then strode forward. “Jack! You’re safe! I knew Sam and Dean would help you.” He closed his arms about Jack and Jack stiffened a bit. Sam almost chuckled because in so many little ways, Jack had often reminded him of Cas. Their first hug had also been awkward because until Cas had met the Winchesters, he’d never hugged anyone.

Realization of the other reason why Jack being around had hurt Dean so much dawned on him. How could he have been so heartless in his insistence that Dean deal with Jack? That Dean wasn’t being fair? Grief was illogical. Dean had needed time and Sam hadn’t given him anyway. True, there hadn’t been much of an opportunity for it, Jack being right there. Jack needing them had taken priority. None of it had really been Jack’s fault, and he hadn’t deserved the treatment he got.  It wasn’t  _ his  _ fault he existed.

But it must have hurt Dean like hell.

Jack relaxed into the hug and his eyes closed, his fingers clutching at the jacket that Cas wore. Simple affection, pure and so obviously desired, needed and now it was Sam’s turn to feel guilty.

If Dean’s outward hostility hadn’t been bad enough, surely Sam’s unthinking coldness had made things worse. Winchesters didn’t do casual touch. That sort of thing – when it happened – as well as hugs were reserved for family. Jack…Jack was essentially a baby in a grown man’s body. Sam didn’t know much about children, but they  _ needed  _ human touch and affection. What damage had Sam done this whole time denying Jack something so simple and essential?

He’d thought Dean alone bore the brunt of Jack withdrawing. It seemed both Winchesters were to blame.

Cas was going to be pissed.

And he had every right to be. But Sam had hope, because now that Cas was back, they could set things right again. Couldn’t they?

Watching Cas and Jack interact, Dean hovering uncertainly on the edge of it, Sam sure as hell hoped so. Not just for the sake of the world, but for themselves.

They all needed a break.

They  _ all _ needed a win.

Didn’t they deserve it?

 

**Bonus Scene** :

Cas grabbed Jack into a protective hug and glared at Dean. “Dean what did you do?”

“Uh…nothing, Cas. Just teaching him…self-reliance and uh, strength of character and um…uh…” Dean looked away guiltily as Sam slowly edged out of the room and away from the inevitable confrontation.

“You’ve ruined a perfectly good Nephilim, Dean! That’s what you’ve done! Look at him! You’ve given him self-loathing. He can’t even use his powers because he’s afraid of them. How am I supposed to teach him the joy of flight now? Shame on you.”

Dean squawked and Sam made good his escape.

 


	2. Cas Gets To the Bottom of Things

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After their reunion, everyone expected things to be sunshine and roses. Okay, maybe not quite that, but Dean drawing away from Cas was _not_ what he expected. After a talk with Sam about _exactly_ how Dean was when he was gone, Cas decides its time they have a talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hadn't planned on more. But i got 2 nearly identical prompts that segued VERY nicely from this one
> 
> "I love your works on archive can you post a destiel fic about cas finding out that dean stopped his heart and he gets super angry. If you could add some mature or explicit destiel moments in it to that would be great"  
> "can you do a destiel fic where cas finds out that dean killed himself in season 13 episode 5"
> 
> This continuation, of course, basically ignores (or at least pushes off and changes the start of ) 13.06

Cas could tell something was off. It didn’t take a rocket scientist – as Dean might say – to see that. Dean was putting on a cheerful face and he smiled every time he saw Cas, but there was a desperation behind it that Cas could not only see, but feel.

The longing and fear every time Cas was out of Dean’s sight was overwhelming. The first time it happened, Cas had rushed to Dean’s side, thinking something was horribly wrong.

Dean’s relief was immense when he saw Cas in his door frame, the feeling of it washing through Cas like a balm, though Dean’s face was as calm and Dean-like as it ever was.

Cas hesitated. “Good morning, Dean.”

“Morning, Cas. You, uh…sticking around, right?” Dean fidgeted with a shirt, pulling on a button up flannel over his dark grey Henley.

“Of course, if I wouldn’t be a bother,” Cas said carefully. He wanted to step inside, to reassure Dean with a touch that he wasn’t leaving, but he still felt unsure of how welcome this invasion of personal space would be, now that a few days had passed. He felt sure that the level of panic Dean had been feeling warranted such action, such reassurance, but the mask Dean had slipped on seemed to push Cas away again.

It left him as confused as he always was where Dean was concerned. Not as much, he suspected, as Dean was, constantly being at war with himself.

“Pfft, you’re never a bother, Cas.” Dean clapped a hand on Cas’s shoulder and, through the light button up shirt Cas wore – “ _Cas take off the goddamn coat and stay awhile, will ya?” I keep thinking you’re about to bail on m- us, man!”_  – Cas could feel the warmth of Dean’s hand like a brand.

Not unlike the one he’d once accidentally left on Dean.

Emotions, raw and hurting pushed its way through the contact and it took Cas’s breath away as it always did, though he betrayed nothing on his borrowed face.

No, that wasn’t completely true. Not anymore.

It may not be the whole of him, his broken wings stretching restlessly behind him, unseen by mortal eyes as usual – oh what he wouldn’t have given to have been able to show Dean their full glory and not the shadows of what they were, but now even that possibility had long since passed. Cas wanted no one to see the broken, burned husks of his slowly healing wings -  but Jimmy’s body was no more and this vessel was a vessel no longer, belonging solely to him. Created new and stronger, more capable of holding not only him, but an Archangel – something that should have been impossible. Jimmy Novak would never have been able to contain such power, or Michael and Lucifer wouldn’t have worked so hard to get Dean and Sam as their vessels.

And each time Cas was reborn, he settled more into his body more completely, more comfortably, his ability to express emotion via tone and look coming easier and easier while it also became harder and harder to maintain his composure, or to hold his nightmares at bay.

Especially around Dean.

So he stood there before Dean and  _hoped_ he wasn’t betraying to Dean exactly how much the hunter was giving away. He didn’t want Dean angry about an invasion of privacy Castiel just couldn’t help.

The pain and hope, love and fear that Dean emitted was stronger than ever. Guilt, too, pulsed through their connection, though Cas couldn’t begin to fathom what the guilt was about – unless it was continued guilt over his grief drive resentment and treatment of Jack.

Cas was still quite upset about that, though he had – somewhat – understood it. But it had been the beginning of Dean pulling back just when Cas had thought…when he’d thought that maybe they could move forward, together. Something he’d wanted for so long, just waiting for Dean to be ready.

“Dean, are…” Cas stumbled to a halt, unsure of what to ask.

Dean raised an eyebrow. “You okay there, sunshine? Cat got your tongue?”

“There are no cats in the bunker, Dean.” Cas sighed. “Are you all right? You seem…troubled.”

“I’m fine, Cas. Never better. We’re all alive and safe and sound. You’re back, Jack’s not the anti-Christ, the BMOL are dust…never better,” Dean repeated while giving a weird little half shrug. He moved to leave, brushing past the angel as he did. “C’mon, let’s get some coffee.”

Dean’s hand hovered over Cas’s arm for a few moments before he visibly gulped, his hand moving forward in a rush and coming down on Cas’s bicep. Dean tugged at him, only letting go once Cas obliged him by following along.

Cas followed along, resolving to talk further about what had happened with Dean while he’d been gone.  _Dead_ , he reminded himself firmly.  _And not for the first time. I’m not sure why I keep coming back against all odds…but I don’t want to waste another chance._ He stared after Dean longingly, wishing he could have that open (touching, emotion) that they’d had merely days ago, when they’d reunited. Had been on the verge of becoming their thing before it had been ripped away from Cas so suddenly.

Again, not for the first time. He restrained a shudder at the thought of when he’d lost his grace, masquerading as Steve.

In retrospect, he’d understood the rock and a hard place Dean had been in, but he still wished it hadn’t gone down that way. That Dean had handled it better.

They’d never talked about it. Not really.

Cas thought that might have been a mistake, but it was too late now. Too long ago. Water under the bridge, or something along those lines.

He didn’t have a chance to talk to Sam that day, or even the next. Unless he was sleeping, Dean didn’t let Cas out of his sight. Not for long. Constantly checking if he was still there. Refusing to do a supply run unless Cas went with him because he’d need the extra hands. Even volunteering to do research and help catalogue the bunker – things he hated doing – merely because Castiel had volunteered to help Sam.

Finally, desperate, Cas texted Sam under the table, asking the hunter to stay and talk to him after Dean had gone to bed. Sam texted back swiftly, a simple and emphatic “Yes!”

Despite having lived millennia, despite angels learning patience early on, it felt like forever before Dean went to bed.

“Sam, what exactly did he do? You implied upon our return that Dean…was not himself. Did something happen?”

Sam raked a hand through his hair. “Fuck, Cas…It was bad. He was really bad.”

He paused and Cas peered at him intently. “You’ve said. Sam…” Cas trailed off, holding his breath as Sam nodded.

“God, Cas, I’m a horrible brother. I didn’t even notice. That it was different, that this…I mean, I figured he’d be upset. We both were, what with you  _and_ mom gone. Hell, we’d just gotten her back against all odds – not just once, but twice! And then you…” Sam sighed and sank into a chair, Cas sitting beside him and leaning forward, his eyes not once leaving Sam’s face, determined to understand _everything_.

Sam’s voice dropped to a whisper. “He gave up, Cas. He didn’t…he wasn’t giving the fights his all. Going through the motions, letting me see what he thought I wanted to see. Refused to believe that there was hope for mom. We didn’t see her die. She could still be alive, but every time I offered him that hope, he shot it down.”

Cas’s heart sank with every word. “You believe she’s still alive?”

Sam nodded. “Yeah, well, after Lucifer killed you, she charged him, knocked him back into the rift and then he grabbed her and pulled her in after.  _Then_ it closed. Not sooner, when it could have done us some good, but  _then.”_

“But he didn’t…he didn’t care?”

“He didn’t _believe_ , Cas. He got ugly, a few times, kept throwing you in my face like it was a counterargument. It was, one that I wasn’t comprehending…”

“Sam, it’s not like – “

Sam raised a hand to forestall him. “Save it. There’s something there and I don’t know how I could have missed it. But you wanted to know what happened while you were gone, so…” he took a deep breath. “Just before you came back…I thought this was it. I thought…I thought I’d lost Dean for good.”

Cas found himself pinned in Sam’s gaze as the hunter looked up and locked their eyes together. “He said it was for the case, and yeah, we’ve done shit that stupid in the past for a case but…but he was just so _willing_ to do it. I didn’t even know he was carrying the thing on him, like he’d been waiting for an out.” Sam swallowed and his eyes filled with unshed tears. Cas’s heart constricted, certain he wasn’t going to like what he was about to hear, what he suspected Sam was about to impart.

“He killed himself. And he almost didn’t come back.”

Cas sucked in a harsh breath and closed his eyes against the pain of it all, though he’d had an inkling this was where Sam was leading. The idea that he’d come back almost too late. Or that if Dean had succeeded in what he’d tried, too late wouldn’t have even begun to cover it.

Without even realizing it, Cas was standing at Dean’s door glaring at the room number even as he pounded on it. “Dean!”

The door opened under his fist to a startled Dean rubbing his eyes. “Shit, Cas! What’s wrong? Are you –“

Cas glared at him and pushed past Dean, slamming the door behind him. “You _killed_ yourself? How could you – is your life so worthless to you that you’d just throw it away?”

“It…was for a case,” Dean protested weakly, his eyes almost comically wide, but Cas wasn’t in the mood for laughing. He could feel the guilt pouring off of Dean, the shame.

“Don’t lie to me, Dean,” Cas growled.

“I’m…I’m not lying!” Dean’s eyes shifted away. His arms crossed over his chest defensively. Cas hated that he was seeing Dean like this, but the anger was only dulled, not gone and Cas stalked forward, crowding Dean against the door.

_He didn’t touch him, but he glared up into Dean’s eyes for long moments. Dean’s arms had shifted down to brace against the door, his fingers twitching as he stared back at Cas._

“God dammit, Cas, you were gone!” Dean finally exploded. “Again! You left me, alone, again!”

“You had Sam,” Cas pointed out.

“It’s not the same, and you damn well know it!” Dean’s voice broke. “I know we can’t, I know I’m not…but dammit, life just…doesn’t mean much with you gone. Every time you leave me hurts like a sonuvabitch, okay? You happy now?” Like with Sam, tears had gathered in Dean’s eyes, though they hadn’t yet begun to fall. The words were cutting into Cas hard.

“And I mean every time,” Dean whispered. “Every time knowing that there are things you’d rather be doing then stay here with me and my…my unwelcome feelings-“ Dean bit at his lip and closed his eyes, but the tears started to fall past his squeezed eyelids anyway. “But to lose you so completely…It’s getting harder and harder to keep going every time I think ‘This is it. He can’t come back from this.’”

“Dean…” Cas said softly. “I’m sorry. I didn’t realize…” He cupped Dean’s cheek in his hand and a single, harsh sob broke through as Dean leaned into the touch. “They were never unwelcome. I thought…you never said…I was trying to give you what you wanted.”

“What I wanted?” Dean blinked his eyes open and stared disbelievingly.

“Personal space, Dean. Privacy. Not to invade your thoughts. I tried to act as if I didn’t have the knowledge of your longing, your…your love. Waited for you to tell me yourself, in your own time.” Cas tentatively leaned forward, touching their foreheads together. “Was going crazy in the meantime. You’d think one thing and present another and…I didn’t know what to think, what to do. You drive me crazy.”

Dean laughed weakly. “I knew you had to know. God, we’re morons. I thought you didn’t say anything or make a move because…because you were disgusted that a human would dare to fall in love with an angel. I was determined that I’d just enjoy being your friend if I couldn’t have more.”

“You _are_ my friend. The very best I’ve ever had. And more. I’ve always wanted more. But Dean, you have to promise me…” Cas took his face now with both hands. “No more throwing your life away. No more risky maneuvers. We’ve both beaten the odds, beaten death so many times. But our luck can’t hold out forever. And I don’t want to lose you either. You _are_ worth it, Dean. I chose you a _long_ time ago.”

“You can’t mean that…” Dean whispered. “I’m just a stupid hunter. A…a grunt.”

“And I’m just a soldier. Built to obey the orders of Heaven.”

“No, you’re more than that,” Dean protested fiercely.

“And so are you,” Cas insisted.

Within seconds, faster than even Cas could parse, Dean Winchesters lips were on his own. The warm feeling of it spreading through his body, Dean’s fingers coming to grab and clutch at Cas and pull him in closer.

Cas easily went into the pull, Dean knocking back against the door again. Their kisses weren’t gentle things – there’d be time for that later. Right now, there was desperation and a need for assurance behind the kisses being doled out ungrudgingly between them. The dam had been broken and they were both being swept away by it.

Being with Dean, so unreservedly for perhaps the first time in ever, Cas was surprised by how fast things progressed. He didn’t quite recall moving towards the bed, or their clothes being removed. Though he certainly remembered taking his time to worship Dean’s body, determined to make the hunter understand how special he was.

If it took a lifetime to do it, Cas would. And if it took eternity to convince Dean, Cas would gladly and willingly hang up his wings and follow Dean to his heaven.

He had no doubts about the depth or truth of his feelings, or of Dean’s, and now that everything was out in the open, Cas would spend every moment he could with the man he loved. The man that had made Cas more than the angel he’d been.

They came together in a sweaty tangle of bodies, their pleasure all consuming – for its newness, for its depth, for all it conveyed. Cas wiped and kissed the tears from Dean’s face as they rocked together, hands clutching tightly, both of them yet afraid that it would all go up in smoke, prove to be yet another dream of things they wanted but could never have.

“Stay with me, Cas,” Dean begged softly, his words muffled in the meat of Cas’s naked shoulder, as they lay on the bed catching their breaths. They yet remained tangled together, each of them unwilling to let the other go.

“Always. I love you Dean,” Cas said, angling down to once more catch Dean’s lips in a kiss that was less searing and was instead gentler, more exploring, than it had been earlier.

Dean whimpered at the kiss, gasped at hearing Cas say those words that Dean had tried to say so long ago but had lost the courage. Cas knew that Dean had come close, back in the crypt, what seemed so long ago, now. Dean broke the kiss long enough to whisper them back - to finally say aloud what he’d been screaming in his head loud enough for Cas to hear for years, even breaking through to him in the crypt _-_ then dove back in for another kiss.

It was new, and a little scary, but at the same time everything finally felt so goddamned right, like everything had finally fallen into place.

Like everything was finally the way it should be.

“Your life has meaning, Dean. With, or without me in it,” Cas said softly.

“But without you, I don’t want to live, Cas,” Dean’s breath hitched again.

“Dean, promise me that you will. Don’t ever give up. Don’t ever stop believing in us. We’ve beaten the odds before. How many times have both of us died? One day, it may take…but please…” Cas’s breathing stuttered now too, his heart beating too fast. “I can’t stop thinking about how you died the very same day I returned. How I was almost too late…Don’t turn us into Romeo and Juliet. Please…” Cas clutched at Dean. “I know it’ll be hard but please…?”

Cas felt how Dean tightened his own grip, attempting to pull the angel closer. They were already as close as they could be, but Cas knew it didn’t feel like enough to either of them.

“Okay, Cas,” Dean whispered, shuddering in Cas’s arms. “Okay, I’ll try.”

Kissing Dean’s tousled hair, Cas accepted it. They lived dangerous lives. To promise more was impossible. But to know that Dean would try lifted a weight off Cas’s heart, and he relaxed into Dean’s arms.

And though he was still an angel, and it maybe should worry him how easily Cas fell into a comforting sleep, Cas couldn’t bring himself to care. Being in each other’s arms felt so good, so right, that he didn’t want it to end. Dean eventually turned over, nestling back into Cas’s chest, Cas’s eyelids growing heavy as he curled around the hunter.

It was absolutely perfect.

 


End file.
